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fuckity oww

Jul. 9th, 2010 | 08:32 pm
mood: sorein pain again

yeah my ears still hurt.  i bought tunnels and pushed one through (remember i just stretched form 6g to 2g cuz i'm a tard) and now i've got the taper in the other.  so, one plug and one taper but BOTH are 2g! yay!  i'm not super crazy about the 2g plugs i have but they'll have to do.  they look like this:



obviously, one of the smaller ones...but they make my piercings look way bigger than they are because of the rims (lol).  so yeah.  these for like a month before i size down i think.  to the pink ones....well, i also got these (they were buy one set get one for $1!!!  i had to!!)


i got these in 0g.  which, believe it or not, look smaller than the ones i'm wearing since they don't have a huge screw-on rim.  when i stretch them, i'm going to use silicone ones, nothing else about it.  i'm tired of tapers.

ANYHOO so i'm super upset with myself...again, i woke up today at 120.  120.  i've seen that number way too many freaking times in a row and i just want it to go down.  more than anything.  i feel like i can't consume anything until i see a lower number...

how do real people's metabolisms work?  i mean, if anyone else restricted they'd lose.  i'm not losing. i'm sad.

ok, so at work today...

there's a middle aged guy who used to work at my store, he was being trained to be a manager of another franchise store close by.  anyway, today he was in our store and he tactfully, in front of everyone working and talking, said that that i looked way to skinny.  he asked me if i was anorexic (!) and i was like "uhm, i'm like the same weight i was before, and no i'm not anorexic, i'm drinking a peanut butter moo'd...(our fattiest smoothie with basically no fruit...i snagged a few ounces of leftover) and then a girl says "well, she has a point! haha" to make me feel better and call him off and then he kept going.  he said i looked sickly...i was like "seriously, i'm at a completely normal weight for my height!"  (I totally am, 120 and 5'6" that's a bmi of 19.4) and THEN told my to put some meat on my bones.

i mean seriously, call my out in front of like 6 other people and comment how terrible i look!?  i mean i look better than i did a few months ago.  seriously.  maybe he just hadn't seen me with blond hair, and i'm paler cuz i've been working a lot these past few weeks and haven't been in the sun a lot.

but to be called too skinny and anorexic really made me feel bad.. i mean, i don't feel skinny at all and instead of making me feel good it made me feel worse.  it really just makes me want to try harder though.  that guy really has no tact though.  seriously wtf. i look anything but sickly.

would he have said something like that to the 3 overweight girls working at the same time?  "Take some meat off those bones!"  "you look sickly!"  "are you a binge eater?!  you should probably purge when you do that!"  i don't think people understand that they both hurt.  maybe equally, maybe not, it depends on the person.  i guess i had a little fleeting satisfaction, but all i see when i look in the mirror is meat on my bones.  meat and flab and handles and bags.

no dinner.  tea.
xoxox be happy!

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inverse navel

Jul. 1st, 2010 | 12:09 am

soOo...i have a reg navel piercing...no big deal.  I got it when i was 16 - now, i really am tired of the everyone has it thing - same with my tragus...everyone has it now.  anyway, i'm thinking about taking out the reg navel piercing and getting the inverse done...which looks like this...



i think i could rock this and make it really beautiful.  it's very simple and i have the right shaped navel for it.  anyway.

today was the last day of y 28day plan.  guess what - i'm starting over tomorrow!  yay.  i'm ok with my 1200 cal limit...most days i'm totally under, but i've hit a plateau that i'm really hoping is broken when i wake up tomorrow.

hubby wants me to eat 1300 cals a day instead of 1200.  lol.  he's so sweet...he really doesn't want me restricting.  but, i mean, i lost like only 8 lbs in a month.  totally safe and normal.  i'm ready for my pms and period bloating to be over.

i can't get over how beautiful the girls abdomen is in the pic.  i'm distracting myself just looking at it - ha!

night for now.  tired.

hugs to a friend in need. xoxox

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i'm a post whore...but am i thinspo?

Jun. 27th, 2010 | 06:07 pm

ok, so i've already posted today...twice i think.  this pic was me 2+ years ago, but 5 lbs lighter.  i weighed 117....i'm 5'5.5" so my bmi was 19.2.  i don't feel like i was that thin, but this is a good pic of me (my body, not my face). this was at ihop.



sigh.  just a few more, just a few more...what do you guys think of me here?  i'm definitely a curvier girl, wide hips and smaller waist.  i'm lucky in that respect.

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busy cleaning...

Jun. 21st, 2010 | 10:13 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished

getting stuff done today!  things i have done:

walked to work - 20 mins or so
worked on my feet for 6.5 hours
went downtown to the thrift store to see if they had saucers to go with the teacups i had bought - they didn't, but i did get 1 more teacup of the set.
ate only my smoothie and a tiny wheatgrass shot at work.
ate a greek salad for dinner
cleaning up around the house - hubby did laundry and cleaned up so it's lookin good. 
i've been drinking lots of tea! and water.  gonna go have some more. 
i'm making my living room look better!

i love feeling accomplished!  i need to "pamper" myself today..... hmm what to do?  maybe make my feet look pretty.
much love xoxox

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love

Jun. 15th, 2010 | 05:48 pm

walked 7.5 miles in the sun today - that's at least 600 cals to offset my 400 cals for the day.  water and tea, rest of the day.

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love

Jun. 8th, 2010 | 07:16 am
mood: contemplativecontemplative

so i made this huge post yesterday on my phone, but somehow i didn't work.  bummer.  something about my new sexy jacket and the size 24 (0) jeans i want to fit into that i tried on at nordstroms just for the hell of it.  human nature, fitting into an arbitrary scale, etc..

about to be on my way to work - started my day with a healthy dose of youtube thinspo while sipping my hemp protein drink...less than 200 cals so far today, and that's the thing with the most content that i'll eat as it is. 

morning nakey weigh - 124.  been drinking about a gallon of water a day!  i love it!  sometimes i feel like.. i'd just be so happy if...but i know it's never enough.  maybe because i've never weighed what i thought i should weigh.  gawd.  out for now, be strong and love yourself.

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love

Jun. 7th, 2010 | 09:38 pm

watching supersize me.  aahhhh!!!

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love

Apr. 16th, 2010 | 02:02 pm

Sometimes the best thinspo can be pictures of yourself, at a happier weight.  Told my husband I'm on a quest to weigh 114.  114 because I have problems with multiples of 5.  Lol.  I'm 126 now.  Shouldn't be too hard.  1200 kcals a day.  However, the last time I got to 116 because I was eating less than 600 kcals/day.  I got there faster.  He's totally fine with it.  He should lose a little weight too, so he's cool with it.  He thinks most people should lose 10 lbs anyway.  My goal weight is totally within a healthy BMI, and I'm muscular and a dancer, too.  We'll be dancing standard ballroom together.

Just looking at pics of me 2nd semester freshman year.  I looked good, I looked happier.  I mean, I'm really happy now!  Life is good.  Just want to be thinner.  I'll always want to be thinner, I know.

Planning my foods in the morning helps too.  So I know what's on my list and what's not.

All my mishie friends are coming back soon.  Like, all 2 of them. Ha.

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love

Sep. 27th, 2009 | 05:28 pm

i'm supposed to be searching the book of mormon for topics to write a term paper on.  ever other verse i read literally makes me roll my eyes.  this is all bullshit.  if i google anything with the word mormon in it, every site is just an ex-mormon website.  hah.

looking forward to vegas next weekend.

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love

Sep. 13th, 2009 | 03:37 am

hubby and i walked at a trail - saw a girl and her guy - she was on rollerblades and was the epitome of my personal health goals.  she seemed so perfect, like she could accomplish anything. so physically fit - flat tummy, muscular thighs, toned arms, creating her own wind as she skated by so fast.  beautiful. 

so i kinda told my husband that i don't know that our church is true.  in our church, you either have to know or you have no idea - it's so black and white and there's no "inbetween"... no "faith" that it's true.  you have to know, everyone knows, and if you don't know, you're horrible.  i'm horrible.  i just have faith it's true.  well, that's what i told him. 

it felt like a big step for me.  i'm pretty much so far gone from my old beliefs that i held onto, fervently hoping that it was true.  there's so much honestly elsewhere, and this is a huge deal.

~1300 today.  woot.  can't run tomorrow, it's sunday.  maybe i'll do lots of lunges.  church is a 10am - i'm secretly hoping my husband forgot to set the alarm and we sleep in ;).  smiley wink doesn't seem appropriate - i'm desperately hoping he forgot to set his alarm, i guess.  <:(  lol there we go. night.

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